


Universe

by mashijiro



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, and you saw that right it's woohan, implied!intimacy, mentioned!changbin, mentioned!depression, mentioned!han, mentioned!selfharm, mentioned!seungmin, mentioned!suicide, mild?angst, professionals!woochan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 04:15:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17974310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mashijiro/pseuds/mashijiro
Summary: when the healers need healing, who do they turn to?orwhen woojin was struggling, chan comes around. will there be a difference?





	Universe

The sofa creaks the slightest when Woojin's tired body fell on it. Exhaustion apparent in every strand of hair sticking grimly against his head. He already forgot how long has he been without shower. His mind is busy with racing thoughts, one trying to take over another and making Woojin feel as if he is going down under in spiral of venomous thinking and never resurfacing again. A sigh echoes through the barren room, not so much physically but it weighs on Woojin all the same. He runs a palm through his oily strands, regretting the action almost instantly. Woojin thinks maybe a shower would help; both with his scalp and his mind.

As soon as the jet of water hit Woojin's scalp, his breathing slows down and his then racing mind starts to relax. He closes his eyes, appreciating the brief calm taking over him. Pressing a palm against the cold tile opposite to him, he lets the water wash away whatever remains he has on the surface, silently praying it was that easy for everything inside to be flushed away as well. He could hear the tub overflowing as he gets out of the shower. Not at all bothered with the wet floor, he steps into the warm bath and displaces more water. Leaning against the tub, his eyes closes on their own accord and yet again, the relaxation takes over him. Just that it didn't last that long this time.

A string of soft knock took Woojin's attention off the papers he was reviewing, and a middle aged woman appeared behind the door. He flashed a friendly smile, apparently it was someone whom he is familiar with. He was about to get up to welcome her but she beat him to it, approaching his huge table with muted steps. "Hello, Mrs. Han. It's nice seeing you again." He gave an easy smile, his teeth shining in the warm morning sunlight filtering through his big windows. The woman nodded as a reply, rummaging through her handbag for something before finally putting it onto Woojin's table. His eyes switched from the woman to the tiny bottle on his table. Prozac. He knows what it was, but he was quite unsure why it was brought up there.

"He won't need the medication anymore, Woojin." Her voice low, eyes looking at Woojin with a look that he couldn't decipher.

"How is he doing now?" Woojin held himself back from saying more, afraid he'd be jumping too fast into his own conclusion.

"He is in a better place now, Woojin. Far from here. Far from his pain." Not once did her tone waver and though he was already sitting, Woojin felt his knees buckle under his own weight. Heart sinking in an immeasurable depth, Woojin looked at her with glassy eyes but she just smiled back at him, excusing herself after thanking him endlessly.

Woojin gasps for air when he straightens up, feeling the burn from the water spreads along his throat. His breaths leaves him in short puffs as he rubs his palm over his face. His chest heaving with unspoken guilt, slowly realizing of how lost he is in his maze of self-doubt. Woojin was not quite like himself after that spring morning. He will take a leave on the same date every year, both for himself and the one he is mourning for. It may be much easier if it was just another patient. It may be much easier if Woojin is not a psychiatrist. It may be much easier if they weren't a couple. It may be much easier if Woojin did not lose his love to suicide.

The bitter taste of his brewed coffee tortures him in the right places whilst a lingering voice in his mind keeps repeating that he does not deserve to enjoy it in peace. For he is a murder. And he murdered someone precious, someone who was a sunshine to many. And he is not done punishing himself for what happened. And maybe he will never be.

 

*

 

"This is our new team member." The rough voice of a middle aged man fills the tiny common space, introducing someone who is about Woojin's age standing next to him. Woojin nods out of courtesy when their eyes met for the very first time, admitting that his new colleague is actually on the handsome side. And Woojin, again, is out on his own adventure in a sea of thoughts that never revolve too far from the season where flowers bloom. Woojin felt as dead as ever deep inside.

"I'm Bang Chan. Nice to meet you." A soft voice pulls Woojin back to where he was standing in their shared pantry, a lukewarm mug of coffee in one hand as he watches over nothing by the window.

"I'm Woojin. Kim Woojin. Nice to be making your acquaintance, Chan." Woojin offers a simple nod, taking a sip from his mug when the other male beams from where he was standing. Maybe Chan reminds him too much of a sunshine.

He is flipping through the file being sent to him, checking on all the details he needs to be filled in. For once, the nagging voice in his head is silent. Submitting his mind to think of things at hand, instead of going too far back to when he was working in the public hospital. Maybe that is his only reason to be coming for work, to put the voice to silence. His pen stutters at one word on the paper, frozen of any movement as he stares at the string of alphabets in neat handwriting. Depression. Woojin takes a deep breath, exhaling with much uncertainty as he cracks his knuckles. If his hands were trembling, he wouldn't acknowledge it.

It has been years since he steers clear of any referrals with depression. But it just has to be now. It has to be when he can feel he is relapsing. It has to be when that tiny voice is gaining volume over the past weeks. It has to be when the fourth anniversary is approaching. Woojin runs a sweaty palm onto his dress pants, trying to forget how clammy he feels and proceeds to press the button on his desk to call the patient in. And not long after, a small male slips into his office. He smiles, noticing how the person in front of him cowers the slightest at the gesture. The session went uneventfully, Woojin trying his best to not lose himself the whole time and by the time it ended, he was exhausted. Maybe he can go and shower, to take everything off of his mind. At least momentarily.

He comes back the next morning, greeting Chan with puffy eyes and earning a curious look with tipped head from the latter. Woojin shrugs it off, mumbling something along the line of rough night from extra reviewing as an excuse. And he is off to his coffee in the pantry yet again, wishing that getting drunk on coffee is possible so he wouldn't spend so much energy trying to keep his self-control. He does not notice the way Chan is looking at him from the doorway, and he definitely does not notice the worry that clouds Chan's expression.

"Have you been eating well?" Chan's voice bounces off the thin walls and bringing Woojin back to reality from his peaceful journey.

"Well, yeah. How about you? How's adjusting going?" Woojin was quite unsure where this is going but he knows the questions he asked are just out of politeness. His mind is buzzing with endless thoughts of soft cheeks, shining eyes and a blinding smile. These days, it's just hard for Woojin to stay in contact with reality, and he doesn't exactly know why but he doesn't mind. He misses him.

"You don't look fine, you know." Chan mumbles, leaving Woojin's questions unanswered as he circles his index finger over the rim of his mug. "It worries me." Chan kept his gaze on the table, not noticing how Woojin's blank expression morphs to one of annoyance.

"Even if I am, it's none of your business." Woojin's answer came out rather curtly as he gets up and walk out of the pantry. And Chan stays seated, pressing his lips into a thin line as if he expected the response. Maybe Chan has had his eyes on Woojin since the first day he got there. And three months apparently are still insufficient for Chan to actually know the latter better. Woojin's reaction is a solid proof.

 

*

 

Woojin shivers, the thin fabric of his striped dress shirt hugging his figure. The coldness is biting at every inch of his skin, but he feels good. Too good, honestly. He can't be sure, but maybe that was what Jisung felt. Maybe Jisung finds comfort in the shallow lines decorating the skin around his wrist. And maybe that was the comfort that Woojin has never been able to provide. The comfort of being hurt. The comfort of being in charge of what you feel. The comfort of knowing you can still feel.

He can recall the times he had spent in Jisung's bed, holding the younger close against him. Pressing endless kisses on the old and new reddish linear marks on Jisung's warm skin, appreciating every single breath he takes along with him. He remembers the time Jisung would cry into his chest, and even more of the fine wrinkles by the corner of his eyes when he laughs at Woojin's lame jokes. Woojin missed those times when Jisung's laughter would suffice to get him through his endless shifts for the week. Woojin missed the time when everything was simple. Woojin missed the time he still has Jisung.

There was this one time Woojin requested for an extended leave, wanting to spend a short trip with Jisung. It was a little past their first anniversary, and Woojin thought it was the best gift then. Well, it turned out to be one. Jisung jumping excitedly from the moment Woojin asked him to pack up for a couple of days off to a town by the sea. They went with light hearts, enjoying the last rays of sunset on their skin as they touch. Woojin accepted everything that Jisung is, and Jisung accepted all that Woojin is. And together, it felt like they could take on the world. Making it a place of their own, and theirs only. Woojin realized of how wishful of a thought it was.

Woojin was very much Jisung driven when he decided to specialize in psychiatry. He wanted to be someone Jisung could trust about himself. He very much understood from his med school lessons that the best he could do was to supportively be there when Jisung was under the weather. Even when Jisung was losing his sight on reality when he's fighting his inner demons, Woojin was there. And Woojin wanted to be much more of a help to Jisung. More than he already was, then. Jisung got slightly better over the years Woojin spent to specialize. By the time Woojin was a psychiatrist, Jisung can pretty much keep the lurking dark shadows silenced.

That was before Jisung relapsed. Woojin got home one evening to Jisung shaking and cradling his shallowly severed wrist by the vanity. Woojin's thoughts were murky, he was unsure where did things go wrong. At one point, Woojin even thought that Jisung was unhappy with him. That Jisung did not want what they had, and it was Woojin being clingy all along. But as if he could read Woojin's mind, Jisung brushed them off with a soft kiss on his lips, smiling with glassy eyes as he apologized.

And Woojin did not think it would get even worse than that afterwards. Jisung deteriorated quickly, as Woojin fumbled in the dark trying to pinpoint anything that could of triggered him. As much as Woojin wanted to be Jisung's therapist, he knew he shouldn't mix his personal and professional lives. So he entrusted Jisung to one of his good friend, Seungmin, as he monitored his progress alongside. For a while, Jisung seemed to be doing well. And he asked Woojin if he could spend some time with his mom back home. Woojin agreed, letting him go see and see her. Woojin was a tad bit upset for not being able to go with him, but Jisung just pressed more kisses on his cheek, saying that it was fine and he had more important things to attend to.

It was towards the end of the winter, then. When Woojin sent Jisung to the railway station, watching as his car gets further away into the horizon. Not foreseeing that that would be his last time seeing Jisung's smile, the one he was genuinely smiling. He would call Jisung now and then, checking up on him like any other lover would. Telling Jisung how much he missed the smaller, and wondering if he should drop by to pay a visit. Jisung subtly dodged Woojin's ideas, with their last call being sappy and sweet and everything in between. Woojin thought everything was fine. But nothing was.

Something vibrated on the damp floor, and Woojin barely finds it in himself to reach over from the overflowing tub for his phone. His crippled thumb slides over the screen, receiving the call without his eyes being able to focus to read who it is on the line. "Hello?" Woojin couldn't hold back his teeth from chattering, folding himself to retain some heat though technically he is soaking himself in cold water.

"Are you okay? Where are you?" It takes a while before Woojin registered that it's Chan's voice. Frowning internally, Woojin hummed as a reply. He doesn't get why Chan would constantly check up on him. It hasn't been that long since Chan got transferred. Woojin is not one to postulate, but at this rate he would of thought Chan is just trying to win his favor. And apparently Woojin didn't realize he could have been that off, alerting his newly transferred colleague. "Hey, send me your location. I'll be there." Chan's voice cuts in, sounding firm through the mild white noise over the line.

Woojin was feeling lightheaded then, remembering the bottle of pill he sneaked from his office. He never keep any drugs from his patients, but lately, he was having a bad case of insomnia. It is about time he get the pills to help him put his mind to rest. But perhaps, he took too much. And perhaps, he didn't realize he took that much. The next thing that's registered into his mind is him slipping into the tub, limbs pliant and giving away without any will to flail. Both him and the phone drowning into the coldness of his midnight bath.

 

*

 

Chan barged into the small apartment, making his way to what he deems the main bedroom. He got to thank Seungmin later. He pushes past the unlocked bathroom door, only to find honey skin half immersed in an overflowing tub with his work suit still on. He froze for a moment, breath hitching the slightest. Quickly, he hauls Woojin out of the tub, stripping him off to his boxers before wrapping him in his thick blankets after he made sure the latter is breathing. Chan sighs softly, worrying of how long had he been in the tub but even more about the quarter empty bottle of pills on Woojin's table.

The tall male stirs, slightly feeling suffocated by the thickness of his blanket being wrapped around him. He opens his eyes, thankfully the room is dim from the thick curtain blocking the glaring sun rays from outside. He appreciates a lump of curls next to his hand, trying to untangle himself without disturbing the other's sleep. Apparently, Woojin failed. Chan jolts up with heavy breathing before he eases up when he sees Woojin. "You're up. Hey. I'm sorry to have barged in. How are you feeling?" Chan asks as he rubs the sleep off of his eyes.

"Suffocated.." Woojin points down at the blanket that he still couldn't untangle with a pout.

"Oh. Sorry, sorry." Chan quickly helps Woojin loosen the blanket, making sure he is still decently covered. Because as fuzzy and murky his mind is with sleep, he still remembers Woojin only has his boxers on. "Do you feel like eating? I can order something." He reaches for his phone, getting ready to call that one chicken place he knows Woojin liked. Perhaps three months is too long for Chan to know enough things about Woojin.

"Yeah, I'm starving." Woojin answered, slowly bringing himself up to a sit and lumping the blanket around his waist. "What happened though?" Woojin shifts, and Chan could see the discomfort on the former's expression. "And why am I wet.." Woojin's voice was small but Chan could make it out.

Chan retells the story when Woojin is all changed and they are eating chicken on the small table in Woojin's dining area. A frown makes its way to Woojin's expression, apparently not liking how he copes by taking sleeping pills. Chan almost feel sorry, he could not exactly feel what Woojin feels now, but he still feel so. "You know. Do you want to talk about it?" Chan's voice is quiet and light but it weighs down on them, evaporating into thin air but leaving a looming heavy silence in its wake.

"I'm struggling." Woojin mumbles lowly, chicken now set aside as he gulps on a mouthful of his coffee. Chan stays still, knowing where this is coming from and being a psychiatrist himself, Chan knows better to give Woojin the space and time he needs. "I've been triggered so much lately because I'm handling Changbin." Woojin's voice thin, on the verge of breaking at any time. "You know, if it's not so much for you.. Can you take over from here?" A pair of soft brown eyes now set on Chan, and Chan looks back at him with a tinge of sadness in his orbs.

"Y-yeah. I can do that." Chan gives Woojin a reassuring smile, hoping that it somehow makes the slightly older male comfortable. And Chan doesn't mind if Woojin don't really talk about his struggles. Chan is fine with waiting. And Chan can definitely wait until Woojin tells him when it's time. Because Chan used to deal with that back then, too. And time was what made him better. He believes Woojin would too.

 

*

 

More months went by, with Woojin being able to repress the voice in his head; who asked him to hate himself every passing second for killing his sunshine. Woojin would like to think that Chan has helped him a lot during those times the voice got a little too loud. It wasn't like Chan is silencing them, but he tried to be louder than the voice. Chan might be the epitome of inconvenience. But Woojin doesn't mind a little inconvenience. His life is nothing close to being convenient, to begin with. Woojin smiles to himself, laughing at his own thought.

After that midnight madness, Chan encouraged him to talk about anything and everything. Rather than being defensive, of knowing Chan is trying to coax him out of his shell, Woojin surprised himself by opening up. And Woojin doesn't regret it. Chan is a good listener. Chan let Woojin talks, and never once he interrupted Woojin. Never once Chan cut him off saying he feels such too. And it's only natural for Woojin to appreciate that. When he first lost Jisung, a lot of people he talked to often mentioned their own experience. And it irked Woojin. He wanted to be selfish then, he wanted people to listen to him. He wasn't interested in their stories, he had his own to tell. And after those excruciating years of holding everything back by himself, Woojin unravels.

Woojin takes his time to slowly break down. He presses his head against Chan's chest, bawling his eyes out with choked sobs. He keeps crying. Hitting Chan continuously and rambling endless questions to which Chan only coos and rubs his back for. Chan takes everything. And maybe Woojin is surprised about it, but he is grateful. Chan hugs Woojin tighter as the older falls into a slumber, after rounds and rounds of crying and wailing. Chan knows the guilt was eating Woojin up inside. After all, losing someone to suicide is not an easy pill to swallow. He had experienced that first hand too. But he knows, Woojin can get better. Just like how he is better now. The thoughts don't really leave, but it helps when there's people around reassuring him. He has done everything in his power, and he has done enough self-depreciating journey and there will come a time to accept and move on. Chan thinks it's about time Woojin forgives and loves himself too.

Because Chan is very much in love with Woojin. For Chan, Woojin is beautiful from the get go. Ever since he first saw him in the department meeting, he knew that he would do anything for the soft looking boy. And Chan knows all too well how much Woojin loves Jisung. Although it's been four years since he passed, Chan can see it in Woojin's eyes. His fiery love and longing for someone whom he only know from Seungmin's stories. How he wished that was himself. Chan falls asleep to Woojin's steady breathing fanning onto his neck, and he wishes all of these will amount to something. Even if not now, maybe in the future.

Spring comes by again, flowers blooming and birds chirping louder than they were in the winter. Or that's just Woojin. He stares at the small dots of people bustling through the main road from the window. Slowly sipping on his coffee, Woojin feels lighter. Even lighter than he had been feeling since the last ten years. He can't be sure of the reason, but he knows he will put Chan somewhere in the list. He smiles to himself, finding it funny how thinking of Chan can make him feel so giddy. The man is a blessing, as much as Jisung is his sunshine.

The road uphill is barren of grass, it hasn't been long since the snow melted. Entwined hands swinging gently, soft steps echoes on the damp ground before it stops. A bouquet of flower placed down, the smaller male offering a reassuring squeeze on the other's larger hand. The taller turns to look and gives the other a soft smile. "This is my boyfriend, Chan, Jisung. Give us your blessings, yeah?" Woojin mumbles, unable to keep the tears to himself. Chan pulls him closer for a side hug.

 

*

 

Woojin stares at the ceiling as he stays awake. It hasn't been long since the visit to Jisung's grave, and him introducing Chan as his boyfriend. He still puts himself at fault most times, but Chan is so receptive that he knows when Woojin has been doing so and comes to the rescue. Like the knight in shining armor he is. Not being able to sleep, he drags himself to the balcony and leaning over the railing as he takes a deep breath of the cold air. Woojin stays for a bit to count the stars littering the night sky, lacing endless prayers that Jisung won't resent him for moving on.

"Hey." A hoarse voice mumble by Woojin's ears, along with strong arms looping around his waist. Woojin hums, naturally leaning against the strong built man behind him. "Thinking out loud, yeah?" Chan's voice is heavy with sleep but his chuckle that follows still sends butterflies into Woojin's gut.

"Did I wake you up?" Woojin turns his head slightly, pressing a soft kiss on the anguished red mark on Chan's jaw. Woojin couldn't recall exactly when it started, but he realizes he slowly falls for Chan. Not that because they spend that much time together. But it's really more to how Chan is just, Chan. And it took Woojin a good while to not turn into an emotional mess when he put Chan and Jisung side by side in his head. It started innocent, nights with extra cuddles that Woojin quickly get used to. Chan helped him calm down, even more his cuddles. A year after his transfer, Chan confessed to Woojin. In a not so romantic tipsy state after the department's dinner. Woojin was taken by surprise. Even after seven years, Woojin couldn't imagine being in another relationship as serious as he had been with Jisung. But maybe, Chan is an exception. He has always been.

Things get steamy quickly between them when Woojin hinted his liking to Chan. Chan could see through each of Woojin's attempt on edging him on. And it wasn't long until they were a tangle of limbs, all sticky and high from what felt like heaven on earth. Staying on the grey area wasn't exactly the best thing, but Woojin didn't know how to get through. It wasn't until Chan get admitted with a really bad stomach ulcer after the endless drinking he needed to drown Woojin induced thoughts, that Woojin realized that he himself, is serious about Chan. As serious as he was with Jisung.

Woojin feels the weight on him as he opens his eyes. Rubbing his hand gently over the bare back of the figure on top of him, he smiles to himself. It still feels surreal, the whole experience of moving on. And he knows that it doesn't mean Jisung is any less of importance. Feeling that his thoughts slowly spiralling under, he latches on a patch of pale skin. He laps on it languidly, biting gently to not wake the other up before running the tip of his tongue over the bite mark. "Being naughty the first thing in the morning, hm?" Chan's voice comes off muffled as he presses a kiss onto Woojin's skin.

"It's a present." Woojin nonchalantly answers, now pulling away to look at Chan. He takes in the mess of curly bed hair, loving how sleepy he looked and how bare he is on top of Woojin.

"You're my present." Chan easily answers, leaving Woojin flustered and he resorts to hugging Chan tightly to shut the younger up.

"You're my universe." Woojin quietly mumbles, just to have Chan hums in return. They stayed that way for the longest time, and Woojin thought that maybe, just maybe, Jisung won't be resenting him.

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello! it's me! anyway, i wanted to try to do angst but idk if this counts as one. i just want to get this out of my head since i'm gonna drown myself in reality for quite a while ;w; thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed it! this is too, not edited :(


End file.
